Occasionally, at various periods of my life, the idea of writing for public consumption had entered my mind. Before computers and word processors were readily available, I had most often written my thoughts, concerns and distresses, in note books, scraps of paper and even on napkins. It seemed to be my way of dissecting and comprehending my own thoughts, all the while keeping tabs on myself and my progression of thinking, not really considering it as journalism or keeping a diary, but a simple point of contact for me to read at a later time, an observance seeing where my personal guidance system was taking me.
Examining and dabbling in creative writing methods and techniques over the years, had reassured me, that I was lacking in the abilities and skills needed to approach this serious venture of compiling and making a proper presentation for a book! I did write a few articles and send them into magazines but of course they were never published, and I’m extremely glad that they were not! I can’t even remember the articles or the magazines, I suppose it wasn’t extremely important.
Reflecting back through time, I am glad that I have never completed a worthwhile composition, much less a book and have my thoughts published; most especially if it pertained to society and social structure. My past naivety concerning the system, either politically or religiously, has been deficient and now in this present time my perspective has made a radical turn, a completely diametric position, 180 degree evasive maneuver from my earlier beliefs. I am so thankful that My younger self wasn’t allowed to become an embarrassment, in my more mature days!
In the foolishness of my youth and naivety, I believed in a god and believed the bible was an instruction for living properly and prosperously. I felt a ‘calling’ to study and to prepare myself and to propagate those beliefs with a heartfelt sincerity with the ‘helping’ of others to find their way to the same!
As for Government I was a genuine statist , believing I was a patriot who would give himself for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and having pride of being a citizen of a great and noble country!
I look back at myself and chuckle, the fact that I was deceived with such foolish notions and vain imaginations!
A few years back, just after turning 50 years of age, I found some of those papers and notes, (written in my 30’s and 40’s),in storage with some other artifacts that It had seemed important to save… needless to say it depressed me, and I built a fire and I burned them, for I actually felt ashamed for being deceived! The fact is upon my discovery of certain disturbing facts, my mind was shaken and my emotions stirred, almost to a boiling point of anger. This anger would stay with me for days, festering into a hatred for the people who would commit such atrocities and through acquiescence I had actually condoned such activities.
These were people I had trusted. I had placed my confidence in them. They had been so clever to deceive me and multitudes of other people. I could just imagine them laughing uncontrollably at how they had succored me into believing and supporting them with my sincerest allegiance and honorable intentions.
Then the anger turned inward, to myself. How could I allow this to have happened? How could I have been so gullible and blinded? How could I be so ignorant? I perceived that some of the anger, when weighed out was laid on my ignorance, and I was angry with myself. That ignorance that I felt, stemmed from being pierced and wounded deep inside my mind, an overload of damning information causing havoc with my innermost emotions. I had been tricked by the hucksters, the charlatans, the confidence men that I had remembered hearing about. I thought of myself as the gullible people who were led to The old covered wagon, the one with the side show and sold the medicinal snake oil, which was worthless and instead of a remedy it made me deathly ill!
Growing into a more definitive layer of expanded consciousness and an escalation of psychological maturity. I have initiated a checks and balance system within myself, seeing if there is in fact the cognitive stamina, along with the natural and acquired skills needed to accomplish such a venture, as writing a book! It seems the wisest thing to do is compile a few essays, get some healthy critique and formidable scrutiny!
I don’t know if I can handle it, but, I will never know unless I make the attempt!